Living Without Feeling

The first day I got to the mission field, my mission president asked me to tell him about myself. "Well, President, I've had a fairly easy life. My family is practically perfect, loving, and faithful; my friends are great examples and are supportive of me; the trials I've had are just with little things like boys or not making student body officer--things that your typical teenager with an easy life goes through. I am excited to share the gospel and make other's lives easy. I feel like I owe my easy life to the teachings of this Church." President just gave me this look like, "you have no idea what you're getting into, little Sister." This was the day that my life started becoming a little less "easy". 

I started off my mission with a rough patch. I was terrified, lonely, confused, and I felt so inadequate. I was so scatter-brained and it frustrated people so much to anger them. Sadly, that led to some emotional and verbal abuse. This caused the first 19 year old sister in the mission great anxiety. I knew though, however, that obedience was the key. If I was obedient, I would be blessed eventually. 

I loved my mission, even though it was difficult. I loved the many good times I had. I loved feeling God's love and helping others to understand His gospel. 

The anxiety worsened as time went on. I started getting panic attacks triggered by simple things, similarly to the challenge of having Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had wonderful and loving companions that knew I needed help and encouraged me to talk about it. 

I reached out for help, but at first, they didn't know if it would pass or not or if they should believe me. I felt like the girl who cried wolf, and it was difficult to look at myself with confidence that I was loved. I picked up the bad habits I had in junior high like eating disorders and low self esteem. The panic attacks got more intense and more frequent, and my mission president's wife was doing all she could to help me. We decided I should go to a doctor to see what medical attention I further needed. 

The doctors decided to put me on some heavy anxiety medication immediately. At first, everything went smoothly. I wasn't feeling as uptight and always on the edge. 

Unfortunately, these medications that are supposed to help your anxiety have crazy side effects like anxiety (I know, right?), depression, weight gain (not good for the girl that's struggling with eating disorders), and the one that effected me the most was a numbing of feelings. I didn't realize that was due to the medication--I thought I must've been unworthy to receive revelation or to feel the Spirit. I didn't feel anything. I was just numb. 

I started having a bad reaction to the medication. We thought it was a violent flu, but my companion never got anything. I couldn't keep anything down except baby Pedialyte. I tried to still work but I could barely move. I was in immense pain and was completely exhausted. I had ran faster than I had the strength to. 

My mission president was so inspired, and I trusted him with everything. He felt that it was time for me to go home and receive the best medical attention I could get. I trusted his decision and flew home to my wonderful family. I figured it must have happened for a reason. I thought I would be getting married to the missionary I had waited for and had been writing religiously. 

I was still quite sick, and I switched medications, but we (my family, the doctors, the therapists, the homeopathic specialists, the emotional coaches) couldn't put our finger on why I wasn't getting any better. I had about two good hours a day and I spent those trying to feel the Spirit. Trying to go to the temple, read scriptures, go to institute--anything I could do to know that God still loved me and that my mission was not in vain. 

Summer came and the boy I had planned on marrying came home. We changed. It wasn't going to work out. I didn't understand. I thought I had received revelation that he was the one. Did I really receive that answer? Did I make it up? Do I know how to receive answers from God? Is there revelation? God is there, right? I couldn't remember because I had no feeling. Everything in my life was falling apart. I didn't understand why I couldn't just be little Sister Olsen in West Texas preachin' the good word for the rest of my life. I wanted to go back out on my difficult mission to escape all my problems (work, dating, having no feelings, etc). 

Well, finally I did start having some emotions. Confusion. Regret. Loss. Pain. Sadness. Resentment. Anger. Devastation. All these emotions boiled down to a deep and dark depression. If I wasn't working full time, I was sleeping or sobbing. I wanted it to end. I wanted life to end. I even made a plan of how I would make that happen. 

I distanced myself from everyone. My friends thought I didn't care about them. I couldn't talk to my family without crying. My parents wondered if they would ever get their daughter back. 

I had been promised by God and His prophets, however, that if I kept the commandments (like reading scriptures, making institute a priority, attending the temple regularly, magnifying my callings, praying diligently) that I would receive direction. I stayed true to who I was and did all of these things, even though I saw no results and felt no answers. I could not feel any peace. That was all I wanted. 

One day, I went to my therapist I see weekly. I was telling her about the first panic attack I remember having as a three year old at Church. She got a light in her eyes, ran out, got a paper, and started asking me questions. I answered all but one with a resounding, "yes." "Gilly, I think your anxiety is caused by undiagnosed ADHD!" After she said that, my whole life made sense. That was it. That's why I did terribly in school. That's why after taking the ACT 5 times the highest I could get was a 23. That's why I could never keep my room spotless because I never finished the task. That's why I was a slower learner at my jobs--especially the one I have now. That's why I was the scatter-brained missionary who frustrated people. I knew that this was an answer from God. 

A couple months later, I started on ADHD medication. I saw the effect immediately! I COULD FEEL! I even got tummy butterflies for a boy! The most exciting thing for me though was feeling the Spirit. I first felt it when I was sitting in Sacrament meeting preparing to give a talk I had written a week before. I had an overwhelming feeling not to give it and to share my experiences with depression and anxiety. Since I was so grateful to hear the Still, Small Voice again, I did exactly what He told me. I said exactly what I felt. It was terrifying, but God was with me. There were angels bearing me up. 

People came up to me after in tears thanking me and saying that it was exactly what they needed to hear. 

I have only been on these ADHD medications for a week. For me, they are a tender mercy from the Lord. I feel God's love again. I recognize his voice again. I feel emotions like happiness, excitement, confidence, empathy, and love. The puzzle pieces of my trials are starting to come together to create a beautiful picture. 

I know that God lives. I know that Jesus Christ suffered for not only our sins--but our emotions. I know He suffered, for me, my lack of emotions. I know that obedience to God's commandments will bring us the happiness and peace He has promised. He will never let us down. I know that, because I've seen it. 

Thanks to my God, I am a survivor.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng