So I wrote this for my Interpersonal Communications Class. Since many people are in Long Distance Relationships as of the past couple weeks, I thought I'd put it on the good ol' blog-a-roo-ski. I had a lot of fun writing it, and am thinking about going into Social Work now that writing this paper has sparked my interest. Should I make it Rainbow so it's more interesting to read? Okay. Here you go:
I
have taken a poll of 125 people from the ages of 17 to 30. I asked them if they
believed in the case of long distance relationships, if absence makes the heart
grow fonder, or give it room to wander. 48.8% said that the heart grows fonder;
leaving 51.2% to say that absence gives the heart room to wander in a
relationship.
Many people said, “Well, it depends.” I
asked them to expand on that and got responses like “the heart grows fonder if
both are equally committed, and it wanders if they are not.” “If
you’re in love, it grows fonder; but if it’s just a fling, then wander.” Many said that successful long distance relationships are dependent on how
often the couple communicates and can see each other. “The longer you go
without seeing each other in person, the more potential there is for someone
else to walk in; or you just start getting used to life without them.” Of the males I interviewed, only 28.6% said that the heart grows fonder, while
71.4% said that it tends to wander. Of the females I interviewed, over 56.6%
said that the heart grows fonder, and 43.3% said that it will wander. This
statistic supports the following statements given: “Guys are the wanderers;
girls are the devoted ones” and “Girl’s hearts grow fonder; guy’s
hearts get desperate and wander.”
Why do more people think they are so
unlikely to work? It is true that they are not easy—“absence makes the heart
ache” was one answer to my question. Perhaps it is because many
people see long distance relationships as “hard to get, and easy to forget” 7
because the other person is “out of sight, out of mind.”
Francois de La Rouchefoucauld, a
French writer, said that “absence diminishes small bonfires, and increases
great ones; as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.” (Good
Reads, 2012). I believe that absence is a major teller of how strong a
relationship is; which brings us to the idea of many people I interviewed—if it
is true love, fonder. If it is not, wander. If it is supposed to work out, it
will. “That [absence] is how you will
know if it is strong or not.” A blog, lovingfromadistance.com, created by the couple Kevin and Michelle
about their long distance relationship, shares the quote: “distance means so
little when someone means so much.” (2008).
They take a lot of work, but contrary to
popular belief, long distance relationships can be very successful—and there
are ways of keeping your relationship alive and make your hearts grow
fonder.
I have been in a long distance
relationship for almost five months. In a few weeks, he will be leaving to serve a two year-mission for our church. I have been very
fortunate to have him—he is an excellent communicator. We have conflicts
often, but they never have turned into fights. We work things out before that
can happen. It can be difficult to cooperate with each other’s schedules, and
it can be frustrating to not be able to see each other every day like most
couples do—but we, and many others that I interviewed with, are proof that long
distance relationships can work. We believe that working hard to make it a
success is worth it.
To make them work, you have to work. In
class, we discussed tips for making relationships healthy and successful. The
first tip is negotiating and revising rules. Use meta-communication, discussing
your communication in the relationship, with your partner. Long distance
relationships have to have a strong communication basis, and because of that,
you often need to set rules for communicating. Some people have rules of what
they can and cannot bring up in an argument. Some couple set boundaries for
physical intimacy that need to be respected by each partner. Jason and I have
set rules of how often we will write when he is on his mission so he can focus
on that instead of me. Be specific in what you want, but be considerate of what
is best for your relationship. Meta-communication enables couples to create
rules to help them better communicate and avoid arguments when conflicts arise.
The second tip is working to keep the
partner you have. Long distance relationships take a large amount of work in
order for them to be successful. Couples need to understand that things “working
out” take exactly what the phrase comes from—work. In a long distance
relationship, each person needs to decide if being with the other is worth the
work and emotional stress it takes. In the popular book-based movie, The Notebook, Noah says to Allie after
being separated for years: “It’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard.
We’re gonna have to work at this every day; but I want to do that, because I
want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. . . . Don’t you
take the easy way out.” He knew that being with her would be worth the
arguments and sacrifices relationships, and eventually marriage, take.
Understand that each person in the relationship needs to work for and with each
other to make things work for them.
Each partner’s needs must be met. Relationships,
especially long distance ones, are all about sacrifice. That sometimes means
you need to bend over backwards to support your boyfriend or girlfriend, and
they should do the same for you. Each partner needs to be specific about their
needs. Don’t beat around the bush, and don’t expect your other half be
constantly trying to read your mind. Sometimes, people do not always know what
it is they need. You do not always have to ask what needs to be done for them,
because often, they will not have an answer. Sometimes, you just need to step
up to the plate and help them without asking. Be considerate; look for ways you
are able to help your partner. If you think of something that they could do to
meet your needs, ask for their help. Needs of both partners need to be met, and
the more specific you can be about what needs to be done the better.
Stress the similarities you have with one
another. Try to bring up things that you both agree on rather than talking
about things that create conflict. Sometimes, things that create conflict need
to be addressed—but that does not mean your relationship is not going to work.
After discussing solutions or negotiations to the conflicts, do something you
both enjoy doing together. If you are not going to be together in person, talk
and reminisce of things you both enjoy. Stressing the similarities you have
with one another is what reminds you how you fell in love in the first place,
and it can be crucial in making the heart grow fonder.
When disagreements do come up, and they
will, make sure you fight fairly. Sometimes, couples let their communication
become less about the relationship and more about a competition. If one says
something hurtful, the other will snap back something more hurtful. If one goes
out and buys a present, the other will buy a bigger present. In long distance,
it may be that one partner does not call one day; so the other doesn’t answer
the phone for two days. It only makes things worse and unfair. Let the
relationship be more important to you than competition.
We also discussed five themes to a
successful marriage in class, and the same themes apply to a successful long
distance relationship. The first theme is positivity. Long distance
relationships are difficult, and to keep them going, both partners must keep
positive attitudes. They both need to be willing to cooperate with different
schedules and distances. This takes a good amount of patience; but if you want
the relationship to stay alive, patience is a necessity. To keep hearts from
wandering, be sure to compliment each other often. Building self-esteem keeps
you and your partner happy, and reminds you of why you are dating in the first
place. Constructive criticism can be beneficial, but can also be hurtful. Do
not overly criticize your boyfriend or girlfriend. One of the happiest things
about being in a long distance relationship that makes hearts grow fonder is
that there is always something to look forward to. Make sure the time you spend
together is full of fun and romance, not arguments and negativity. Stay
optimistic in getting through the time you spend apart. One of the most
important things you need to maintain in a relationship is forgiveness. Staying
positive is crucial in having a successful long distance relationship.
You obviously cannot see your partner
every day if you are in a long distance relationship, and many people I spoke
with believe that it is more difficult to get to know them because of that.
Since you are not with each other every day, openness is the key to maintaining
the relationship. You need to make sure you are specific in disclosing your
thoughts and feelings, especially when they are about your relationship.
Discuss decisions that need to be made, qualities that you admire or could be
improved upon, and needs that are or are not being met. Your partner cannot
read your mind, and being open with them is the key to avoid miscommunication
and arguments.
As I interviewed, a friend of mine told
me about his long distance relationship. “It has been really hard. I am
constantly wondering if I am doing the right thing” One thing
that couples—especially those that are going through the hard, lonely, and
frustrating times a long distance relationship can bring—is making assurances.
Remind each other that in the long run, being with each other will be worth
this. “We are the perfect couple; we’re just not in the perfect situation.”
(Kevin and Michelle, 2008) Stress commitments you have made to each other, and
show faithfulness and loyalty to your partner. Assuring yourself and your
significant other that you are right for each other; and being together will be
worth the frustration of schedules and loneliness distance brings.
Something that is very important to do
while in a relationship, especially a serious long-distance one, is networking.
Keep in touch with mutual friends, particularly ones that are nearby. Focus on
common friends and families in activities. Spend an equal amount with each
other’s families. Work to build good relationships with your partner’s family.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend says something negative about one of their
family members, just listen—do not contribute. Making the time and effort to
network with family and friends of your significant other can make separation
easier in a long distance relationship.
Make sure that you are dividing tasks
such as planning weekends and deciding on rules evenly. Do not take control and
make all of the rules revolving around your needs. Do not only plan activities
that are all about yourself and that only fit into your schedule and expect
your partner to drop everything and thoroughly enjoy every moment. On the other
hand, speak up for yourself. You need to be specific about your schedule and
what you want to do. You need to help your partner in making decisions about
rules and boundaries in your relationship. It takes two to tango in any
relationship, but especially in a long distance one.
Although the majority of people I
interviewed believed that absence gives the heart room to wander in a long
distance relationship, I believe that they can be very successful when each
partner is communicates well, meets each other’s needs, and sacrifices for one
another. They can be frustrating and emotionally draining, but in the long run,
they can be worth it. A couple needs to decide if it the work is worth it, and
then be prepared to work to make their relationship successful. When a long
distance couple communicates well, despite the absence of their partner, their
hearts will grow fonder.
Always a Pleasure.
--Gilly :D
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