Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder.... Or Wander?

So I wrote this for my Interpersonal Communications Class. Since many people are in Long Distance Relationships as of the past couple weeks, I thought I'd put it on the good ol' blog-a-roo-ski. I had a lot of fun writing it, and am thinking about going into Social Work now that writing this paper has sparked my interest. Should I make it Rainbow so it's more interesting to read? Okay. Here you go: 

I have taken a poll of 125 people from the ages of 17 to 30. I asked them if they believed in the case of long distance relationships, if absence makes the heart grow fonder, or give it room to wander. 48.8% said that the heart grows fonder; leaving 51.2% to say that absence gives the heart room to wander in a relationship.

Many people said, “Well, it depends.” I asked them to expand on that and got responses like “the heart grows fonder if both are equally committed, and it wanders if they are not.” “If you’re in love, it grows fonder; but if it’s just a fling, then wander.” Many said that successful long distance relationships are dependent on how often the couple communicates and can see each other. “The longer you go without seeing each other in person, the more potential there is for someone else to walk in; or you just start getting used to life without them.” Of the males I interviewed, only 28.6% said that the heart grows fonder, while 71.4% said that it tends to wander. Of the females I interviewed, over 56.6% said that the heart grows fonder, and 43.3% said that it will wander. This statistic supports the following statements given: “Guys are the wanderers; girls are the devoted ones” and “Girl’s hearts grow fonder; guy’s hearts get desperate and wander.”

            Why do more people think they are so unlikely to work? It is true that they are not easy—“absence makes the heart ache” was one answer to my question. Perhaps it is because many people see long distance relationships as “hard to get, and easy to forget” ⁷ because the other person is “out of sight, out of mind.”

            Francois de La Rouchefoucauld, a French writer, said that “absence diminishes small bonfires, and increases great ones; as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.” (Good Reads, 2012). I believe that absence is a major teller of how strong a relationship is; which brings us to the idea of many people I interviewed—if it is true love, fonder. If it is not, wander. If it is supposed to work out, it will.  “That [absence] is how you will know if it is strong or not.” A blog, lovingfromadistance.com, created by the couple Kevin and Michelle about their long distance relationship, shares the quote: “distance means so little when someone means so much.” (2008).

They take a lot of work, but contrary to popular belief, long distance relationships can be very successful—and there are ways of keeping your relationship alive and make your hearts grow fonder. 

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost five months. In a few weeks, he will be leaving to serve a two year-mission for our church. I have been very fortunate to have him—he is an excellent communicator. We have conflicts often, but they never have turned into fights. We work things out before that can happen. It can be difficult to cooperate with each other’s schedules, and it can be frustrating to not be able to see each other every day like most couples do—but we, and many others that I interviewed with, are proof that long distance relationships can work. We believe that working hard to make it a success is worth it.

To make them work, you have to work. In class, we discussed tips for making relationships healthy and successful. The first tip is negotiating and revising rules. Use meta-communication, discussing your communication in the relationship, with your partner. Long distance relationships have to have a strong communication basis, and because of that, you often need to set rules for communicating. Some people have rules of what they can and cannot bring up in an argument. Some couple set boundaries for physical intimacy that need to be respected by each partner. Jason and I have set rules of how often we will write when he is on his mission so he can focus on that instead of me. Be specific in what you want, but be considerate of what is best for your relationship. Meta-communication enables couples to create rules to help them better communicate and avoid arguments when conflicts arise.

The second tip is working to keep the partner you have. Long distance relationships take a large amount of work in order for them to be successful. Couples need to understand that things “working out” take exactly what the phrase comes from—work. In a long distance relationship, each person needs to decide if being with the other is worth the work and emotional stress it takes. In the popular book-based movie, The Notebook, Noah says to Allie after being separated for years: “It’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day; but I want to do that, because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. . . . Don’t you take the easy way out.” He knew that being with her would be worth the arguments and sacrifices relationships, and eventually marriage, take. Understand that each person in the relationship needs to work for and with each other to make things work for them.

 Each partner’s needs must be met. Relationships, especially long distance ones, are all about sacrifice. That sometimes means you need to bend over backwards to support your boyfriend or girlfriend, and they should do the same for you. Each partner needs to be specific about their needs. Don’t beat around the bush, and don’t expect your other half be constantly trying to read your mind. Sometimes, people do not always know what it is they need. You do not always have to ask what needs to be done for them, because often, they will not have an answer. Sometimes, you just need to step up to the plate and help them without asking. Be considerate; look for ways you are able to help your partner. If you think of something that they could do to meet your needs, ask for their help. Needs of both partners need to be met, and the more specific you can be about what needs to be done the better.

Stress the similarities you have with one another. Try to bring up things that you both agree on rather than talking about things that create conflict. Sometimes, things that create conflict need to be addressed—but that does not mean your relationship is not going to work. After discussing solutions or negotiations to the conflicts, do something you both enjoy doing together. If you are not going to be together in person, talk and reminisce of things you both enjoy. Stressing the similarities you have with one another is what reminds you how you fell in love in the first place, and it can be crucial in making the heart grow fonder.

When disagreements do come up, and they will, make sure you fight fairly. Sometimes, couples let their communication become less about the relationship and more about a competition. If one says something hurtful, the other will snap back something more hurtful. If one goes out and buys a present, the other will buy a bigger present. In long distance, it may be that one partner does not call one day; so the other doesn’t answer the phone for two days. It only makes things worse and unfair. Let the relationship be more important to you than competition.

We also discussed five themes to a successful marriage in class, and the same themes apply to a successful long distance relationship. The first theme is positivity. Long distance relationships are difficult, and to keep them going, both partners must keep positive attitudes. They both need to be willing to cooperate with different schedules and distances. This takes a good amount of patience; but if you want the relationship to stay alive, patience is a necessity. To keep hearts from wandering, be sure to compliment each other often. Building self-esteem keeps you and your partner happy, and reminds you of why you are dating in the first place. Constructive criticism can be beneficial, but can also be hurtful. Do not overly criticize your boyfriend or girlfriend. One of the happiest things about being in a long distance relationship that makes hearts grow fonder is that there is always something to look forward to. Make sure the time you spend together is full of fun and romance, not arguments and negativity. Stay optimistic in getting through the time you spend apart. One of the most important things you need to maintain in a relationship is forgiveness. Staying positive is crucial in having a successful long distance relationship.

You obviously cannot see your partner every day if you are in a long distance relationship, and many people I spoke with believe that it is more difficult to get to know them because of that. Since you are not with each other every day, openness is the key to maintaining the relationship. You need to make sure you are specific in disclosing your thoughts and feelings, especially when they are about your relationship. Discuss decisions that need to be made, qualities that you admire or could be improved upon, and needs that are or are not being met. Your partner cannot read your mind, and being open with them is the key to avoid miscommunication and arguments.

As I interviewed, a friend of mine told me about his long distance relationship. “It has been really hard. I am constantly wondering if I am doing the right thing” One thing that couples—especially those that are going through the hard, lonely, and frustrating times a long distance relationship can bring—is making assurances. Remind each other that in the long run, being with each other will be worth this. “We are the perfect couple; we’re just not in the perfect situation.” (Kevin and Michelle, 2008) Stress commitments you have made to each other, and show faithfulness and loyalty to your partner. Assuring yourself and your significant other that you are right for each other; and being together will be worth the frustration of schedules and loneliness distance brings.

Something that is very important to do while in a relationship, especially a serious long-distance one, is networking. Keep in touch with mutual friends, particularly ones that are nearby. Focus on common friends and families in activities. Spend an equal amount with each other’s families. Work to build good relationships with your partner’s family. If your boyfriend or girlfriend says something negative about one of their family members, just listen—do not contribute. Making the time and effort to network with family and friends of your significant other can make separation easier in a long distance relationship.

Make sure that you are dividing tasks such as planning weekends and deciding on rules evenly. Do not take control and make all of the rules revolving around your needs. Do not only plan activities that are all about yourself and that only fit into your schedule and expect your partner to drop everything and thoroughly enjoy every moment. On the other hand, speak up for yourself. You need to be specific about your schedule and what you want to do. You need to help your partner in making decisions about rules and boundaries in your relationship. It takes two to tango in any relationship, but especially in a long distance one.

Although the majority of people I interviewed believed that absence gives the heart room to wander in a long distance relationship, I believe that they can be very successful when each partner is communicates well, meets each other’s needs, and sacrifices for one another. They can be frustrating and emotionally draining, but in the long run, they can be worth it. A couple needs to decide if it the work is worth it, and then be prepared to work to make their relationship successful. When a long distance couple communicates well, despite the absence of their partner, their hearts will grow fonder. 


Always a Pleasure. 
--Gilly :D